Tuesday, December 24, 2013

bah humbug

I wanted to write about Christmas traditions, but it turns out, I have exactly zero traditions. When your family dynamic changes due to something like divorce, the things that were traditions, or at least trying to develop into a tradition, they get scrambled or discarded. We used to pack ourselves into the car and drive around and look at Christmas lights. We haven’t had a chance to do that this year. Our situation does not allow for me leaving the house to do something like that. There used to be particular movies we would always watch at Christmas time. But my son doesn’t like most of them, so I don’t put them on. Most of them were movies that his dad and I would watch after he went to bed anyway. I like to try to pick movies that take place at Christmas, but aren’t necessarily “Christmas” movies:
Die Hard
Love Actually
Lethal Weapon
Hook (the first time I saw it in the theater was on Christmas)
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Reindeer Games (horrid, but in a good way)
Titanic*

this could be my own holiday portrait this year

 And then there are the traditional Christmas films:
It’s a Wonderful Life
Elf
Scrooged
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Bad Santa (I wouldn’t watch this one with the kids, though!)
The Holiday
Home Alone

What other traditions did we have? I don’t even really know. I think it was only important to me to have traditions. The things I can remember are me being the one who always was up Christmas morning with Nick, because his dad couldn’t be bothered to wake up early in the morning, even on Christmas. I remember that “we” decided not to give each other Christmas gifts because we would just buy what we wanted. Which meant that it was too inconvenient for him to bother to think of something to get for me for Christmas. The more I think about it, the more depressing it is. I hope that my son at least feels that his Christmas mornings are worth the disorganization of his tradition-less parents. He gets a stocking every year – I guess that’s a tradition. I used to read him the book A Wish for Wings That Work, but this year, it’s packed and I have no idea where it ended up. I hope we didn’t lose it. And he’s getting a little old for reading Christmas stories.

That is not nearly the most depressing thought that I’ve had so far this year. I also have dredged up some memories of my own Christmas pasts. One where I sort of knew I was going looking for my Christmas presents, found them, and in a flurry of irrational feelings of success, looked at all of them, only to realize that absolutely nothing would be a surprise on Christmas morning.  That’s not so bad, though. The year that my step father decided it was time for me to “get over” Santa, and said to me, “You know that’s all just made up, right?”. Christmas morning, he actually took a couple of gifts from his parents and shoved them into my stocking right in front of me and laughed saying, “Well, at least there’s something in there for you!”. HAHA! YOU ARE SO FUNNY! Asshole. Who does that to a 9 year old kid? 

The rest of them, the ones I haven’t completely blocked out, are just a blur of me being driven between one parent’s house and the other, depending on whose turn it was to “have me”. Getting shuffled around to make sure I spent the requisite amount of time with each family. It turned into my obligation to act happy at every house and grateful that I got to have more than one Christmas celebration. The first year we lived 3000 miles away, I was terribly homesick until I realized I would not have to drive anywhere to visit anyone. It was absolute bliss.

Unfortunately, since the divorce (just over a year ago), which I’m probably still bitter about, even the memories that were good, I think were just a lie. Everyone pretending to be happy and what the fuck was it all for anyway? Hey look at that! I found my holiday tradition after all - being miserable and dissatisfied with my life! 

What would be really nice, would be to have a holiday – any holiday, really, I don’t care about Christmas one way or the other – to spend with a person who actually wants to spend the holiday with me, who enjoys doing the same things that I enjoy, so that we could enjoy them in tandem and laugh and smile, eat good food, drink wine, go for a walk out in the cold, tell stories, laugh at old videos. Maybe we would even come up with a couple of traditions. 

Come to think of it, it doesn’t even have to be a holiday.


*I had to edit this to add Titanic to the list. How did I forget that one?? It's my perfect Christmas movie!


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